Ramble | Confession | Hope

For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come.Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name. (from Hebrews 13) 

 I'm wrestling with this. A lot.

Because when I don't feel God I don't know how to love Him. How screwed up is that?

I have had a serious struggle with my attitude lately (cursed irony). This pregnancy has brought a whole host of irritable, overly sensitive emotions which are directed at the bullseye on my husband about 99% of the time. {The remaining 1% aimed at commercials, RJ, programs and occasionally other people} It is not only super frustrating, it's sinful. My heart toward Gabe has been so cold because of my perspective.

This is not to say that I am never warranted by normal standards to be hurt, but that when those warrants come I am already gunning for the guy. Heels dug, fists clenched, gloves off.

I confess these things because recently as my stellar attitude came to a head, I learned that I have been letting my emotions dictate my actions. When I am upset I don't smile. I don't play. I don't get enjoyment out of watching RJ do something new (well, I do get a little). I don't grab his hand or touch his back when I walk by. I don't do those things because in my mind that is called pretending and I am too old for make believe. I come to believe that Gabe no longer cares about me. When I feel like our marriage sucks I act like our marriage sucks.

But does our marriage really suck? I have insecurities (some of which have nothing to do with Gabe's actions, but are totally placed on him), but when I step back and look at our marriage what do I see? I see an incredible man who has loved me through my least lovable phases. I see persistence in his forgiveness and grace. I see provision and affection. I see changes in myself that wouldn't be possible without his influence. I see a good marriage.

This revelation in my marriage is showing me a serious issue in my relationship with God as well. When I don't feel close to God I drown in the same insecurities. I battle with the idea that He is done with me. Usually I don't fight very hard.

But what do I see when I look at my life with God? I see a God who has loved me through my least lovable phases. I see persistence in his forgiveness and grace. I see provision and deep affection. I see changes in myself that are absolutely, completely impossible without Him. I see a good marriage. I see Hope.

So I'm wrestling. As I try to offer a sacrifice of praise whose motive is to please HIM and not get back the feelings I miss. As I acknowledge the name of the God who has loved me, loved my child, loved my husband in intimate, memorable ways. I'm wrestling with what it looks like day-to-day to love and serve and cherish and adore the God I can't make myself feel close to. And I pray - and trust with reason, not with passion - that this God will provide me a rest from my struggle and fulfill the longing I have for intimacy with Him. When it's right. When I'm able to receive it.

An Attitude Adjustment

On Sunday Brent Harris delivered a great message on love. He even sang a line of the Beatles.

As he talked about what real love looks like he mentioned that while we can't control our feelings toward someone, we need to align our attitudes and our actions with what is true. No matter what kind of person we are dealing with, they are loved by God and deserve from us the same grace we were given undeserved from the Father.

That dichotomy began to itch me: feelings vs. attitude. When I was a kid my dad would warn whiney or pouty me to "Fix the attitude." He would never say, "Fix your feelings," but he seemed to think I had some control over my perception of the situation. Of course I did because the fear of a spanking was, to me, worth what it took to get over myself in the moment.

Trust me, when she's teething, the Gremlin has a terrible attitude.

The Birth Story

Disclosure: This is a fairly detailed account of Raychel's birth. If you don't want to know, don't read. :)

Raychel Joye Sedberry joined this crazy world on July 18, 2011 at 6:24 in the morning at Dayspring in Hayden, Idaho (she's our little spud). She weighed 8 pounds and 12 ounces and measured 21 inches long. She also had a full head of hair!

As she is lying here on the bed next to me, making adorable faces, I am just in complete amazement by her... I seriously can't even concentrate on writing this. It's taken me like an hour to get this far. She just keeps doing cute things!

Gabe chewing one of my disgusting prenatal vitamins. Yes, chewing it. Ew.

Baby Bump

Weekly Baby Bump Photos

35 weeks + 4 days

33 weeks + 3 days

My glider. It's heavenly. :o)

Dreaming Ahead

I spend a lot of time making sure that I don't come across too ignorant - I know I'm ignorant and I know there is plenty about motherhood that I will not even come close to understanding until I'm in the middle of it. I don't want to offend any current mothers or burn any mommy bridges before I cross them so I won't ever claim to know more than I do. However, in my caution, I am also ridiculously excited. Over the moon excited. I'm as ready as I'll ever be and I can't help but focus on the things to come - most

A I-Shouldn't-Be-Awake-Right-Now Vent

So there are a plethora of things "they" do not tell you about pregnancy. Not only will you find out on your own, but when you do you will be utterly freaked out because you are about 83% positive that it is abnormal and your baby is going to end up with some bizarre complication. 93% if said symptom is discovered in the middle of the night when you're disoriented.

I won't make a list, but to any of you non-pregnant ladies out there, feel free to ask when you do get your BFP (big fat positive - evidently there is a whole dictionary of acronyms just for pregnant women) and I will do my best to tell you all the things that are totally normal and never discussed. Of course, one of those things is the fact that you completely lose random portions of your memory so you'll have to forgive me if I leave a lot out. 8-/

Bad Baby Pie

So during the worship time at church a couple weeks ago we sang the song that goes,
"Crucified, laid behind a stone. You lived to die, rejected and alone. Like a rose, trampled on the ground You took the fall and thought of me above all."

When I sing those words I can't help but put myself in the "me" position and reflect on how Jesus

Baby Beat

We heard the baby's heartbeat today (video below). It wasn't the magical experience I guess I thought it would be, but it was beautiful. I was a bit distracted at the time, but later I thought back on it and it just... amazed me... It's overwhelming. We only got to hear it for about 15 seconds (I seriously thought it was only 5 when I was recounting it) which was just not long enough. After she took the doppler away I sort of missed him (or her). Obviously he's in there and I get to be with him all the time, but usually there is

Pregnancy Survey

So I feel I have thoroughly exhausted my facebook friends with pregnancy things and if I have not, I believe a Pregnancy Survey would do it so I am posting one here. In search of one I found this in one of the search result headlines on google: "Baby Berry in the Belly." My Baby Berry? No. Someone else is going around referring to their own bundle of joy by the same (quite original, I thought) term of endearment! So now I am annoyed. Because I suppose I honestly thought that in the history of the world nobody, despite the copious amount of surnames which include "berry," had thought of such an adorable moniker.

Your name?

Krysann SedBERRY.

Baby 'Berry

We just found out a few days ago that we are pregnant - and we have 3 First Response Pregnancy Tests to back us up! Being the weekend, I haven't scheduled any appointments yet so maybe that is why this still feels so unreal. Or maybe it's because it's been just the two of us for so long. Even when Gabe has been deployed, we've been a team, a unit. It's been Gabe and Krysann, uninterrupted (but enhanced with Sam and George), for going on five years - seven when you count our courtship.