My person left. I don't know exactly how to explain what she means to me, but it's a lot. It was like having another husband - obviously Gabe is irreplaceable, but for about a month I had somebody to do everything with and talk about my day with. I had somebody to listen to me and goof off with me and just hang out... I didn't completely realize what a difference it is to have someone just be around the house with me. Not just someone to talk with or help do things, but someone to simply offer a prescence. It was so comforting to know that I wasn't alone in the house. It is amazing what social beings we are.
Coming home after dropping Beth off was like a watered down version of coming home after Gabe deployed. I felt so alone and the house was so eerily empty. I was exhausted and emotionally drained. All I could do was mope and cry. Just like Gabe leaving... this is so hard! And I know that God is with me and I know that I am never alone. But God made me a social creature and I desire that companionship. My husband, the companion God has provided me, is gone now and even though he is the sweetest man on the planet and talking to him makes me feel better in that moment, I need a tangible prescence. I am struggling to be OK as I'm lonely. God is good and He's more than enough for my needs...
Those needs including getting packed, moved, everything fixed and everything cleaned before clearing housing so I can leave. Plus I have things with school I need to take care of... I have so much to do. I wanted to try and get a plane ticket for my mom but I can't afford it and I honestly have no idea who is going to help me... my friends have work and my church hasn't been the most reliable. But I suppose that this experience will give me some great tools for the future and will build strength.
Gabriel is so wonderful. He wishes so badly that he could be here to do everything himself instead of me having to do it. He is so understanding and sweet. He told me to take heart because soon I'll be with him and he'll treat me like a queen and dote on me and make me forget that I have to do everything on my own... I love him. I don't expect to be served while I just sit there and do nothing, of course. But it is so sweet of him to remind me that I have a husband who really does see me as his beautiful queen (to his king, of course, not servant) and wants to pamper me... I love that I have someone who wants to take care of me even if he physically can't. And more than just, "I wish I could be there." He really means it. He really does appreciate that it is tough out here and he really does want to make it all go away for me. I am so blessed to have married a man who loves me this much. And to have a soldier who doesn't discount what I'm going through over here even with all he goes through over there. He is patient with me and he reminds me gently that we are here for each other, we are a team... we are "thick as thieves, baby." Oh I love him!
I will get through this trial. I will find out that I'm stronger than I thought (with God, of course, everything is bearable). I will see who cares and I will learn lessons that will be worth everything. As for the lessons I have learned, they'll be tweaked as I'll be tweaked to be more aligned with God's heart.
Beth, if you're reading this, I love you. And I miss you.