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Sunday, July 15, 2007

The Condition of My Condition

My house is empty (THANK YOU, GOD!!), I have a good week to clean it, and my husband and I will be together in THREE WEEKS!!!!!

It has been so stressful. I thought it was never going to get done! Well, I knew that God would provide, as He always does, but I was sure frustrated! I wish I could say that I have handled all of this in the best way possible, that I've been the woman I should be through everything... but it's not true. I've wept, I've been scared, I've complained, I've gotten down... I want to be strong. I want to be the strong woman that Gabe wants me to be. The woman God calls me to be.

I wish that once we got saved everything was totally filtered and we never dealt with the old man again. That Satan would be instantly defeated in every one of his endeavors and we couldn't mess anything up no matter what was going on. I wish that every bad thought, word, and action was eradicated. I wish that we instantly became the person God wanted us to be. This, however, would serve no purpose... for what would we be if we were perfect? What experience would we have to relate to other people? What testimony of grace would we have? Without my trials and my failures, I'd have no reason to care so deeply about God. Sure, I'd love Him. Of course I'd spend time with Him. But I wouldn't have to seek Him. I think that to God, it is unmatchingly precious when His children run to Him in their darkest hour. When I cry out for my Father, I think His heart smiles. When I recognize that He's the only One who can totally fulfill my needs, I think He is blessed.

Sometimes I feel like God isn't there, like He doesn't care about my situation, like He isn't catching my tears. But I know this is all lies. My God cares about me. Look at my life: I am married to a godly man who is the most tangible display of God's love I will ever know, I have been blessed with a few friends who love the Lord and who He uses to lift me up, my needs are always taken care of... My life has always been blessed. My relationship with Gabe and our marriage has been blessed from day one. And despite the friends that didn't turn out to really be friends, I have always had someone to relate to, talk to, accept me (and now, with Gabe, I have a forever Best Friend. Someone who will never ever judge me or leave me). Despite my husband being deployed, our love and our relationship is still growing and we still go to each other with everything even when it's hard to be able to talk. I love him!
See how good my God is? See how He blesses me? Even in times of hardship; times when I feel so alone, times when no one seems to care, times when I feel down and deeply stressed, times when I am depressed; even in these times, God is here. God cares. God provides.

Oh, Wonderful God, how I want to please You and bring You blessings...

I will try, as I have been trying since the start, to be strong. I will try to rely on God to bring me strength and joy. I will try to show the whole world that my God is truly the Great Provider, the real Joy-Giver. I will keep trying... and when I stumble, please don't judge me. When I scrape that spiritual knee, please offer me a band-aid. I'm not perfect and I've never claimed to be. So if you think about it, pray for me. If you remember, encourage me. If you'd like to, give me a call. I want to be a prayer warrior, an encourager, and a friend to everyone else.... So I will keep trying. :-)

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