A Love Story

I read them with indulgent envy. How I would love to dive into their worlds and become a heroic queen in the 1500s or a simple farmer in the 1850s. How I would don the calico and live for harvest season. How I would restore virtue to a desolate land. How I would be painted with colorful language, intimate details recorded with skill and prose. My life made official. Etched in minds and hearts the way only a great story can be.

Goodbye, George

George.

I've said that name in blinding frustration and in sheer affection. If you knew George you knew 2 things.

1. He was a complete pain in the ass.
2. He loved with every single hair on his body.

We got George just a few days before Gabe went to Afghanistan for the second time. I really wanted a puppy and we thought it would be a good distraction. We saw him in the shelter and were drawn to him right away. At first we were going to pass him by because we thought he was a big-dog puppy. When we saw that he was already a year we were hooked. Then only he would do. I don't even remember looking at the other dogs.

5 Minute Fridays | Expectation

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community.

I thought it would be challenging, but I didn't know it would be so hard. I didn't think we would ever say the things we've said or feel the way we've felt. I didn't know that he would hurt me so badly or that I would ever close him out.

When we talked about our future we talked about kids, finances, faith. All the things you're supposed to go over before the big day. We didn't talk about what to do when we didn't want to love each other. We didn't talk about how to overcome the pain we'd put each other through.

I thought it would be fulfilling, but I didn't know it would be so huge. I didn't think I could love another person the way I love him now. Now. I didn't know that there was a difference between the kind of affection we shared then and the kind that veterans of love share.

When we talked about our future we talked about having fun, being together, never having to go home at night. We didn't know that 7 years later a trip to the grocery store would still be fun simply because we were together. We didn't talk about how to love, but we've done it.

5 Minute Friday | See

My vision is kind of fuzzy when I first open my eyes. Before the covers pull back, before I wobble to her room, before I rub my eyes. It takes them a while to adjust. They take in a furry ball attached to a chubby body - she looks like a doll I would have played with as a girl. Good thing my feet know where to step in the dimly lit living area as I carry my little gremlin back to my bed to nurse.
I stare at her in the cool light of a morning trying hard to break past my curtains. Every morning: gazing at the most precious sight... Fuzzy and all. She is stubborn (like me) and she holds those heavy eyelids up to look at her mother. We lay there silent, her sucking, me gazing. My eyes never had it so good.

"Every Good and Perfect Gift Comes from Above"

I miss him. That has not changed.

The "rule" I discovered about his departure bringing minor calamities has proven true as well. RJ got splinters all over the bottom of her feet (and she won't let me remove them), a big diaper rash suddenly formed, Gabe's laptop just wouldn't turn on so we couldn't use that to communicate, Raychel has bled for the first time from a fall... and then repeated it twice more...

5 Minute Fridays | Opportunity

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community.

I married a dreamer. A daydream believer. He once asked me (quite sincerely) what I would think about breeding chickens. That was within the first few months of our marriage. My first sign of things to come.

He sees the world differently than most people. Where the average man sees a waste of time, he sees a chance to change things. To provide. To rise above the occasion.

We have been in the pit before. We have struggled to make ends meet. We have been in all but hopeless situations. But one thing I know I do not have to concern myself with is whether or not we will be okay. God is always looking out for us and the way He does that is with this incredible man I married. He works hard, he does things other people are scared to do or are too incredulous to try. He has no qualms when it comes to providing.

Do you know what it feels like to have total peace that your daughter will be fed? That your husband is doing everything in his power to provide? 

5 Minute Fridays | Perspective

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. 

--------------------------------------------

 When he packed his things in that old Cat bag and I made sure to fold the clothes over a photo in a frame it felt familiar. When he drove away and my heart couldn't take the burden it was an old feeling. When I sobbed into Samson I felt like I was home again - bitterly.

But when the pain subsided quickly. When I went outside to get the coffee my friend had brought over. When I took my daughter upstairs for a good long visit with her Auntie. When I was checked in on, brought food to (McDonald's. Twice. By separate people.), when I spent the night laughing. Those things are new. Those things are appreciated.

I know what it's like to be alone. I know what it's like to say goodbye. I know what it's like to cherish time together. I'm now learning what it's like to be surrounded. I'm learning what a normal business trip looks like. I'm learning that time apart doesn't mean bombs and fear and isolation.

Happy Mother's Day

What I sent my mom for Mother's Day. Just wanted to brag on her a little bit (and show off how pretty she is!! From new-mommyhood to grandma-hood, my Mom is a fox!). 

Folk Tales | Sleep

There are certain things that mothers around the country - probably around the world - argue about.

Vaccines.

Education.

Co-sleeping.

Organic food.

Television.

{In comprising this list, I realized that these are very affluent issues. I'm guessing mothers in the Australian bush argue about very different things.}

One of those controversial topics is the issue of purposely letting a child cry, or the "cry-it-out" method. I have heard extremes on this issue. Mostly on the "no" side. One mother condemned other moms for letting their babies cry even when they are driving. She advised pulling over and doing... whatever they want you to do I guess. I'm not sure how that would play out if you were, say, in LA style traffic on the freeway. I think the extreme on the "yes" side would be a mentally unwell mother who never held her children or attended to their needs. We can all agree that that is not healthy.

5 Minute Friday | Identity

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments.

I am constantly finding myself in a battle for identity. Am I a mother? Yes. A wife? I believe so. A daughter, sister, friend? Last time I checked. But my identity is more than those things. It defines me. One word. Christ. 

When I was a kid I learned about Jesus and I loved him. I didn't need any favors or see my need of salvation, I just thought he was wonderful. When I grew up and I realized that I not only loved him, wanted him, but needed him I decided that giving myself over to him was a necessary and desirable action. But it wasn't a one time deal. My identity is that I'm his. I'm not mine, I've been bought with a high price. I'm not Gabe's. I'm not Raychel's. I'm Jesus'. 

It's waning and it's fuzzy. I keep trying to take my life back from him and he doesn't promise not to let me. But when I think about identity I think about the God who has made me his bride and the King whose slave I get to be. Daily. I have to decide this daily. 

5 Minute Friday | Community

It's confessing. It's healing. It's the feeling I get when I'm too tired to entertain so I just sit down and relax with family.
Family.
Sometimes there are still pretenses; when we are around less familiar faces. But when I think of community I think of truth. I don't have to hide myself. I look around at people who know the secrets I thought I'd take to the grave and I am so thankful. I've never known anything like this. I've read about it, but I've never known it to this scale.
It's also those people you can't let go of. Beth is my community. It should be abundant and full of different personalities, backgrounds, perspectives... But sometimes it's just one more person so you know you're not alone. When our husbands were gone that's all I had.

A Thousand Tears (from the people who have to listen to me learn the guitar)

So, inspired by my awesome neighbor/sister Tessa and the other people in our community who can just pick up the guitar I have owned for 2 years and make beautiful sounds that I have yet to comprehend in said amount of time, I am finally learning to play! The final push was the image of playing and singing to my beautiful daughter as she grows up; expressing to her the beauty she brings to our home and teaching her about music. I look forward to watching her swim in rhythms and harmonies, discovering the strict structure and free abstracts which complement each other so well in such a rare way.

My little Darling... The Hippy Babe complete with
an Amber Teething Necklace... Yeah, I'm that mom... 

I decided to pick a song to learn on that would be special to RJ and I as she grew. I've heard A Thousand Years by Christina Perri on the radio and it makes me think of my little girl: how I've longed for her since I was a girl myself, how she is so worth the wait, how my insecurities about being a mother climaxed and melted when she showed up, how I want more than almost anything for her to know, no matter what she experiences in this life, that she is so incredibly loved and wanted and important.

Folk Tales | Doula

Labor was here. I was in denial, but the contractions were not. Gabe was being an incredible "Birth Coach" despite the quick progression he had not been expecting. When we called Brittany the first time we had no idea we would soon be picking her up on the way to deliver our child. We just wanted to get through that minute, that second. It was, especially for my sweet husband, chaotic.

Not for Brittany. Over the phone she was calm and pleasant. She brought a sense of peace to our home through the little speaker. She advised us confidently while maintaining her cheer. When we realized that we needed to go to the Birthing Center and that our planned doula would not be there, Brittany jumped into our birth team with enthusiasm and skill. We picked her up on the way and without any formalities she was massaging my back, calming my fears and reminding us that this was an exciting, happy event.

She even knew what to do in case I started pushing in the car. I didn't, but she was prepared.

That is why I recommend a doula.

Folk Tales | Placenta

*Folk Tale Disclaimer: These are simply the reasons we chose to do the things we do. We absolutely do not condemn any other parenting decisions as we fully respect that God put specific kids with specific parents and those parents are the only ones fully responsible for their children. These posts are merely meant to be a window into our lives for those who'd like to peer in and to offer some first hand knowledge for people researching these subjects themselves. :) *

So when I consider all the things we do and the way we must be perceived, this topic probably tops my list of Crazy.

Pain in Childbearing

Giving birth is daunting.

"To the woman he said, 'I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children.'" {Genesis 3:16}

It was physically the most exhausting work I have ever endured. It was the most emotionally draining. It was the least pleasurable experience of my life. It was by far the most painful.

Yet here she is. "In pain you shall bring forth children." In pain you shall bring forth Raychel Joye. For all intents and purposes, God told me well ahead of time that the daughter I so desired would not come to be without suffering.

I suffered. She is worth it.

Community

 

"And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." (Hebrews 10:24-25)

You can almost call "missional communities" a trend. It even made it to wikipedia. You can almost call it that, except that the connotation of a trend is something fleeting and superficial and from what I have seen these groups are anything but.

Folk Tales | Shaklee

*Folk Tale Disclaimer: These are simply the reasons we chose to do the things we do. We absolutely do not condemn any other parenting decisions as we fully respect that God put specific kids with specific parents and those parents are the only ones fully responsible for their children. These posts are merely meant to be a window into our lives for those who'd like to peer in and to offer some first hand knowledge for people researching these subjects themselves. :) *

I have a lot of memories of a baby monitor gently filling the room with familiar lullabies while Beth and I picked up blocks and knick knacks and wiped counters down with a particular earth-friendly cleaner. The bottle it came in is still comforting to me. :)

This post is about Shaklee because I have a certain fondness for their products as a result of the aforementioned retrospect. I was first introduced to it in the Ball household as a kid-safe, "green" cleaning agent. I always thought that when we had kids I would want to switch to something safer than the seriously toxic chemicals I used on a daily basis. {Killing my own brain cells is one thing...}

"Real Marriage: The Respectful Wife"

Copyright of Mars Hill Church, found at marshill.com

I just watched this really great sermon for wives about being respectful to their husbands. Even if you think you're doing alright, it's worth paying attention to (not really where I am, but you might be! lol). I have so much room to grow so it was especially convicting and encouraging to me; I ended up taking like a page and a half of notes! :)

So grab your bible and some paper! And if you want to start a discussion, comment on here!

I couldn't get it to post on my blog, but click here to watch it at marshill.com. :)

Why I'm Voting for Ron Paul

In 2007 Gabe was deployed to a war we were becoming less sure of and I was attending school in California. Every day I walked alone to and from my classes, digesting silently {well, mostly silently} what I was learning. One particular day I was heading back to my car and saw an elderly gentleman standing on a campus sidewalk with a stack of bright green fliers. In case you've forgotten, the 2008 election season started quite early {maybe because there could be no incumbent} and it was clear that the gentleman was peddling another R/D politician. As students passed he would enthusiastically offer a bit of green propaganda and every time he was either ignored or turned down. As I approached I saw this happen several times so that by the time I got to him my sympathies outweighed my ambivalence. I took one and {as I remember} asked him about this congressman just to make him feel like he wasn't wasting his time. I don't think I actually listened.

Folk Tales | Moby

*Folk Tale Disclaimer: These are simply the reasons we chose to do the things we do. We absolutely do not condemn any other parenting decisions as we fully respect that God put specific kids with specific parents and those parents are the only ones fully responsible for their children. These posts are merely meant to be a window into our lives for those who'd like to peer in and to offer some first hand knowledge for people researching these subjects themselves. :) *

Few things are quite so wonderful as your very own baby nuzzled up against you sleeping peacefully. Few things as lovely, few things as appreciated. The reason I absolutely love my Moby Wrap is that it provides a way for me to enjoy that while also doing life. And I don't just mean talking on the phone or doing make up. I have hiked, cleaned, traveled {by foot}, been to meetings... I do a lot with it. There are 2 downsides, though: it takes so stinkin' long to put on. And it has to touch the ground. So when RJ is a mess because she just wants to be held it's super annoying that I can't put it on quicker - or even hold her while I put it on. And when I'm out where the ground isn't clean enough I have to finagle it even more.

But it's a lifesaver. And once it's on, it's on. It is great on my back, soft and comfortable {no straps or clips} and the cotton is very breathable. Basically, I love the thing.

Folk Tales | Cloth Diapers

*Folk Tale Disclaimer: These are simply the reasons we chose to do the things we do. We absolutely do not condemn any other parenting decisions as we fully respect that God put specific kids with specific parents and those parents are the only ones fully responsible for their children. These posts are merely meant to be a window into our lives for those who'd like to peer in and to offer some first hand knowledge for people researching these subjects themselves. :) *

RJ's very 1st diaper. When the planning met reality. ;)

Like many of the things we do that land on the more... eccentric side of things, Gabe is the one who really came up with the idea of cloth diapering. We always liked the idea, but it wasn't until we were pregnant that we really started looking into it. It was completely overwhelming for the longest time and if you, dear reader, are considering it, let me just say: it is not as complicated as it seems to be.

Happy Valentine's Day!

For Valentine's Day RJ and I decided to make our special someones super awesome V-Day cards! And instead of a Farside cartoon or a political parody, we wanted our cards to have pictures that would mean something to the recipients.

{Enter: mini-photo-shoot!}

Why So Serious?

Okay, forgive the title. I... don't even remember what happens in The Dark Night {or Knight?}.


I do however wonder why the proverbial "we" still treat that hormonal dip after giving birth as a huge taboo. Women don't talk about it, but most of us experience at least mild depression. It happens. Let's be okay with that already!

I Can See Clearly Now

RJ as a newborn! She's always been the cutest baby!

If it hasn't become noticeable already, I love RJ. She makes life better in so many ways and I truly cannot imagine life without her anymore. :)

But I remember when that was not the case. I remember feeling numb, feeling scared, feeling like I wanted to run away. I remember not wanting to wake up, not wanting to nurse, not wanting to look at the baby that I couldn't connect to. I remember wishing I could feel so in love again and being absolutely horrified all the time because I did not believe I ever would.

Now, I bask.

One for the Book

The other night I had a very special dream. I dreamt of my beautiful little girl as a teenager. I'm not saying it's prophetic or anything, but I woke up feeling like I had gotten a glimpse of the future Raychel Joye and I felt so blessed the whole day. 

She was timid in a respectful way, not because she was scared. I was in a home talking business with a client and she quietly walked in after I sent someone to get her from the car. She had her hair down (it was straight, which is strange) and wore a modest outfit - a sweater and skirt. She didn't have any make-up on and my goodness... She was just gorgeous. Her skin was tan and smooth... I often call her "Honey Girl" because of her golden skin and she fit the description well.