|Photo by Tish + Tom Photography|
I used to think about having a baby someday and while the thought thrilled me, it also caused me great concern over the fact that... it's a human. I would consider the differences between babies and puppies. I'd think about what could go wrong - would I know how much to feed it? would I be fragile enough in handling? would I forget it somewhere? would I damage it psychologically with my ignorance? I would start to become anxious with the thought of such a heavy responsibility.
And it is heavy. She's completely dependent on Gabe and I. Completely. She needs us to survive. Yet, the weight is somehow counter balanced... Much to my surprise, I do not feel a pressure to "be a good mom." I don't feel scared that I'm going to screw her up, either. I'm her mother. I'm not perfect, I've already made plenty of mistakes and I have every confidence in that continuing for the next 60 years, but I am the person that God chose to be Raychel's mom. I don't feel worthy, but I do feel called. I trust that God will be with us every moment and that he'll make sure that his sweet baby Ray is taken care of one way or another. I'm completely honored that I have the opportunity to fulfill that role right now.
Something that can be very difficult to do is "give things to God." I am by no means saying that I do this perfectly or even really very well, but by His grace God has shown me how much better His hands are than mine. I can trust Him with Raychel. I can trust that no matter what happens He is doing all He can within His perfect plan to make sure that she is loved and protected and safe. I know that this doesn't mean that no harm will befall her - that simply isn't the world we live in - but it does mean that whatever does come is supervised. It is never easy to come to grips with the reality that even your child is not something you can cling to, not something you can depend on keeping forever, but it is the truth and after the initial sting it's a comforting one. The fact that the God of the universe, the Artist behind this piece called Life, is overseeing and interceding in the life of His beautiful RJ is a thought to rest in, a thought to go to sleep with. It's a soft pillow in a harsh world; a world I am simply weak in, a world I could never protect her from.
There is a funny thing about motherhood: you don't know what you're doing... and you don't have to.