Daughters Grow

There is a simple tension with Mothers and Daughters. It's sweet and complicated. Raychel is at an age of admiration and pushing boundaries, but someday she'll try to break through some of those boundaries and she will probably think I truly don't understand what she is going through as she navigates heavy emotions and scary changes.

She will have fights with her best friends and she won't understand why her sibling's chewing makes her want to scream. She will be scared and feel lonely and sometimes she may even take it out on me. She'll question everything we've taught her and when she learns to disagree she'll wonder what else I'm wrong about. She'll feel confined in a small space as she tries to spread those wings she'll be growing. And as the most prominent woman in her life, she'll both emulate and resent at least some of who I am while she tries to figure out who she is.

And someday when her pudgy little hand becomes slender and coordinated I'll have to let it go and though I'm excited for her to be a Woman, that thought breaks my heart.

But then I remember: after her perspective gets a little broader and she starts to reflect (when she has things to reflect) she'll grab my hand for the parts of Womanhood that require a Mother. 

When she meets the man she wants to serve for the rest of her life or she finds a passion she's meant to pursue and she needs a nudge out of the nest I'll encourage her to take the leap.

When she's newly married and she needs the calm assurance of decades I'll pray over her and remind her who she is in Christ and how that looks as a wife.

When she has children and wrestles with her new role I'll wipe her tears and tell her that she's doing a wonderful job. 

And when I miss her in the everydays I'll remember pots and pans in the living room and surprise kisses in bed. In some sense she'll always be this little girl who lights up our home and in some sense she is already the beautiful woman who will send sparks into the world.

"Children are brave!"

Yes, I watch The View. Moving on.

I don't know that I have heard such a clear and honest articulation of childhood. Children are brave. Any mother who has watched her baby take those first trepidatious steps can attest to his fortitude. Determined with his shaky, unreliable feet he fixes his attention, puts his fear behind him and walks. Falls. And invariably, at some point, tries again. Adults don't usually have that courage. Children are on their own in a big and mysterious world.

I love watching RJ explore. She takes delight in things that to me have lost their luster. This morning she was dancing and laughing at her wire hanger percussion and I was blessed with a peek into Wonder. That is just one of the gifts she gives me daily. Because she is an Explorer. On par with Lewis & Clark, she is discovering a completely unknown land. She has adventures in kitchen hideaways and toilet bowls. She scales mountains of armchairs and pillows. She boldly approaches the Wild Beast with an unreasonable hope that he will, for the first time, enjoy her company as much as she enjoys his. She is a Pioneer. She is charting territory for her future brothers and sisters (and I think she will be a great Expedition Leader).

And one day she will leave. I also love Jamie Lee's declaration of independence for our children. Our culture is so intent on keeping the young young that so often parents fail to raise adults. And she is so right: if we do our jobs, separation will be mutually beneficial and anticipated. As much as I thoroughly enjoy every second we get to spend with her, RJ is somebody's wife in the making. She is in her education for motherhood.

I expect to be heartbroken when she moves away and starts her family (or does something else as the Lord wills), but in the best possible way. A shifting paradigm is never a smooth ordeal, but I so look forward to watching her use all we are able to teach her and learn from her as she navigates this life with her own RJ flair. I pray and trust {well, working on the trust} that she will not depart from the Truth. That: my children loving God when they are out of my nest, will be my deepest joy in parenthood.

And I will not shield my brave little ones from this: it will take courage.

Mom Moments

When RJ is snug in her bed and the night is winding down, I have the honor of putting our well loved home back in order. I pick up her brightly colored toys and stack them neatly near the wall. I clear the sink and sweep the crumbs from the counters. I toss and fluff throw pillows to their homes on the couches and I grab bits of garbage or laundry during my final walk through.

I love the thought of RJ hearing me wash dishes. I can remember my mom doing her gifts of service every night; it made me feel comfortable and safe. I would wake up to a cleared kitchen and folded laundry. The floors would be clean and ready for another day of wear. No matter what transpired the day before, our home was a clean slate every morning. 

It makes me think of that verse:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

 As RJ grows I hope to relay that character trait of God to her. I hope to give her the grace He so generously gives me and let her rest in the home He allows me to make for her. A home of mercy. I hope that my patience and love for my children is new every morning and that I will remember constantly to enjoy these little blessings while they are still young.

And I hope that I will take joy every evening, when my babies are snug and the night is quieting, in picking up the brightly colored reminders of God's favor and wiping off remnants of His abundance from the countertops.

Five Minute Fridays | Change

 Five Minute Friday is a really fun way to release the preoccupation with propriety and practice sharing our hearts with our words rather than our expertise. Five minutes of writing without overthinking it. That means you get the ooey gooey stuff that usually stays down deep. :) Try it out!! And the biggest rule Lisa-Jo has is that we encourage one another! So click the link, read some of the authors' posts and have a go yourself!

GO

 Because things can't stay the same forever. New opportunities would be foolish to pass up. Tastes shift and the rug I thought was rich and warm is now just the wrong shade of boring. Heating bills are far too high to reasonably stay in the same house. Moving trucks pull away bits of your heart and leave you with a bittersweet - heavy on the bitter when your everydays are emptier.

But it isn't always so bad.

She crashed into our lives like a tidal wave and we will never be the same. She has broken us and glued us into new shapes. Now I lament for the days I didn't know her. Now I am grateful for the ways in which this life is ripped apart. Without those bitter tears would I have ever known my girl? It hurts sometimes, but so did labor.

It isn't always so bad.

STOP

Goodbye, George

George.

I've said that name in blinding frustration and in sheer affection. If you knew George you knew 2 things.

1. He was a complete pain in the ass.
2. He loved with every single hair on his body.

We got George just a few days before Gabe went to Afghanistan for the second time. I really wanted a puppy and we thought it would be a good distraction. We saw him in the shelter and were drawn to him right away. At first we were going to pass him by because we thought he was a big-dog puppy. When we saw that he was already a year we were hooked. Then only he would do. I don't even remember looking at the other dogs.

5 Minute Fridays | Opportunity

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community.

I married a dreamer. A daydream believer. He once asked me (quite sincerely) what I would think about breeding chickens. That was within the first few months of our marriage. My first sign of things to come.

He sees the world differently than most people. Where the average man sees a waste of time, he sees a chance to change things. To provide. To rise above the occasion.

We have been in the pit before. We have struggled to make ends meet. We have been in all but hopeless situations. But one thing I know I do not have to concern myself with is whether or not we will be okay. God is always looking out for us and the way He does that is with this incredible man I married. He works hard, he does things other people are scared to do or are too incredulous to try. He has no qualms when it comes to providing.

Do you know what it feels like to have total peace that your daughter will be fed? That your husband is doing everything in his power to provide? 

5 Minute Fridays | Perspective

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. 

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 When he packed his things in that old Cat bag and I made sure to fold the clothes over a photo in a frame it felt familiar. When he drove away and my heart couldn't take the burden it was an old feeling. When I sobbed into Samson I felt like I was home again - bitterly.

But when the pain subsided quickly. When I went outside to get the coffee my friend had brought over. When I took my daughter upstairs for a good long visit with her Auntie. When I was checked in on, brought food to (McDonald's. Twice. By separate people.), when I spent the night laughing. Those things are new. Those things are appreciated.

I know what it's like to be alone. I know what it's like to say goodbye. I know what it's like to cherish time together. I'm now learning what it's like to be surrounded. I'm learning what a normal business trip looks like. I'm learning that time apart doesn't mean bombs and fear and isolation.

Happy Mother's Day

What I sent my mom for Mother's Day. Just wanted to brag on her a little bit (and show off how pretty she is!! From new-mommyhood to grandma-hood, my Mom is a fox!). 

Pain in Childbearing

Giving birth is daunting.

"To the woman he said, 'I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children.'" {Genesis 3:16}

It was physically the most exhausting work I have ever endured. It was the most emotionally draining. It was the least pleasurable experience of my life. It was by far the most painful.

Yet here she is. "In pain you shall bring forth children." In pain you shall bring forth Raychel Joye. For all intents and purposes, God told me well ahead of time that the daughter I so desired would not come to be without suffering.

I suffered. She is worth it.

Community

 

"And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." (Hebrews 10:24-25)

You can almost call "missional communities" a trend. It even made it to wikipedia. You can almost call it that, except that the connotation of a trend is something fleeting and superficial and from what I have seen these groups are anything but.

"Real Marriage: The Respectful Wife"

Copyright of Mars Hill Church, found at marshill.com

I just watched this really great sermon for wives about being respectful to their husbands. Even if you think you're doing alright, it's worth paying attention to (not really where I am, but you might be! lol). I have so much room to grow so it was especially convicting and encouraging to me; I ended up taking like a page and a half of notes! :)

So grab your bible and some paper! And if you want to start a discussion, comment on here!

I couldn't get it to post on my blog, but click here to watch it at marshill.com. :)

Happy Valentine's Day!

For Valentine's Day RJ and I decided to make our special someones super awesome V-Day cards! And instead of a Farside cartoon or a political parody, we wanted our cards to have pictures that would mean something to the recipients.

{Enter: mini-photo-shoot!}

I Can See Clearly Now

RJ as a newborn! She's always been the cutest baby!

If it hasn't become noticeable already, I love RJ. She makes life better in so many ways and I truly cannot imagine life without her anymore. :)

But I remember when that was not the case. I remember feeling numb, feeling scared, feeling like I wanted to run away. I remember not wanting to wake up, not wanting to nurse, not wanting to look at the baby that I couldn't connect to. I remember wishing I could feel so in love again and being absolutely horrified all the time because I did not believe I ever would.

Now, I bask.

One for the Book

The other night I had a very special dream. I dreamt of my beautiful little girl as a teenager. I'm not saying it's prophetic or anything, but I woke up feeling like I had gotten a glimpse of the future Raychel Joye and I felt so blessed the whole day. 

She was timid in a respectful way, not because she was scared. I was in a home talking business with a client and she quietly walked in after I sent someone to get her from the car. She had her hair down (it was straight, which is strange) and wore a modest outfit - a sweater and skirt. She didn't have any make-up on and my goodness... She was just gorgeous. Her skin was tan and smooth... I often call her "Honey Girl" because of her golden skin and she fit the description well.

Raychel Joye's Dedication

Emmaus Baby!

Last Sunday was Raychel's baby dedication. It's the first at Emmaus so I am kind of stoked that she is now the official Emmaus Baby. :P

For us, a dedication it is a public acknowledgment that our daughter is a gift. One which we fully intend on giving back to the Giver (i.e.: God). It's an act of consecration and solidarity. We know that we will fail in a million ways, but we commit to do our best to raise her up not only to know the Lord, but to follow Him.

From Black-and-White to Color

Gabe asked me today how it felt after Raychel was born to not have her in my tummy anymore. It was odd, but not in the way I thought it would be. It felt like my stomach wasn't mine. I had become so used to Baby Berry making it her home that I no longer thought of it as just "my" belly. When she was gone I remember not feeling confident that I could stand up straight or really do anything involving my abdominal muscles because I think I did not feel I had control over them anymore.

Anyway, I'm sure you really wanted to know all that. What it then brought me to was the pre-RJ mindset. Because we didn't know her gender I didn't feel like I fully "knew" her. Obviously I adored her, but she was still a huge mystery to me. I remember how I would wonder about her and how my imagination had to stop quite short of her full glory. I'm sure every mother feels this way, but it was made more so by the fact that I wasn't even sure what to call her.

6 Years Baby

May 2011

For our first wedding anniversary we visited "home" in California together. I got our rings engraved and we had a party where we ate the top of our cake. For our second he was deployed so we got all glammed up and spent it via webcam. Our third was spent in Salinas while we were staying with friends. He got me a leather purse and we went out to Monterey for dinner and a movie. For our fourth wedding anniversary Gabe came home for 3 weeks from Afghanistan and surprised me with a trip to San Francisco where we stayed at the Hyatt and went on a dinner cruise. A live band played our song on the boat for us. Last year for our fifth we went to our favorite little tea house in Carmel and spent the day strolling through the storybook town and relaxing on the beach.

This year, for our 6th wedding anniversary we stayed in and played with our daughter. We fed her her first "real" food, goofed around with her, watched TV... Then we went out and got a couple movies from Redbox, cinnamon buns from Safeway, and some chinese food and came back to the house. RJ was fussy so we spent a good amount of time listening to her crying and trying to soothe her. We finally put her to bed a little early because she was tired and then we ate, decorated her stocking while watching a movie, finished up some gift crafting/wrapping, and then cuddled while we watched the second movie. I fell asleep on him.

Can you guess which one is my favorite anniversary?

To My Daughter

Raychel Joye,

You have ruined me. From an eager mom-to-be with the sober knowledge that I couldn't know how much love I was capable of you have made a fool with a heart broken by the devastating joy you brought with your arrival. When you curl into my chest I feel love. When you scream in my ear I hear love. When I catch a glimpse of you my eyes are overwhelmed with love. It's radiant. You are radiant. I wake up every morning tired, but eager, anticipating the walk to your room where I find love personified. Nothing is the same.

You are growing so beautifully. You smile with your eyes and I see wisdom in you already. I can tell: you're a thinker. You make your father and I so... proud. The kind of pride that is humbling. I don't even want to know why God thought we were in any way worth giving such a perfect gift. He did it and we are exceedingly grateful. As you struggle through your milestones - discovering what frustration is while trying to roll and what pain is while teething - I pray you will never feel without hope. You are proof of it, my love. You are a reminder of the purest hope we have in Christ, a concentrated bit of Heaven. His grace is sufficient for you always and as you grow you will find that to be the deepest truth.

My time is taken up with you so this letter won't be long, but I want you and the whole world to know that you are my heart. Even better, you are the heart of myself, your daddy and our God, lovely in the truest sense of the word. We love you. We love you. We love you.

In all devotion,
Mommy

She popped the question!

The adorableness of my sister-in-law-to-be is too much!

Go here for full story. :)

RJ's Mommy

Photo by Tish + Tom Photography

There is a funny thing about motherhood: you don't know what you are doing...

I used to think about having a baby someday and while the thought thrilled me, it also caused me great concern over the fact that... it's a human. I would consider the differences between babies and puppies. I'd think about what could go wrong - would I know how much to feed it? would I be fragile enough in handling? would I forget it somewhere? would I damage it psychologically with my ignorance? I would start to become anxious with the thought of such a heavy responsibility.